Today it seems like my life consists of just “going with the tide” – and that I have no particular destination. When I look at my life, I have to ask myself, “Is this all there is?”
The pursuit of material things sometimes seem meaningless to me. I often feel as though life is passing by.
My time is consumed by things that need to be done, rather than things that are important to me. People put demands and responsibilities on me that are opposed to what I want for my life.
I have been trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations while my own plans and dreams go unfulfilled.
I think I am not alone. Many people just feel like me. You might agree with my thoughts. There’s more wisdom than meets the eye in John Lennon’s famous saying: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
Frankly, life is too short for us to waste most of it on the acquisition of material things, in trying to impress people we care little about, and on things that will have little or no value to us when we look back on our lives during our golden years.
Sometimes I feel like heaven on earth. These are the times when I meet my old friends, when I am sitting alone on garden bench in the evening and seeing a lovely couple and thinking of my beloved, when I think of all the foolish things I have done in my childhood. But these times come very rarely.
I don’t know the purpose of my life.
I studied in the childhood as everybody does, made good friends there, passed higher secondary school with good grades. Now what? People told me to become a doctor or an engineer. I couldn’t get in to a medical school, so joined an engineering school. Seniors told that ‘Electronics’ is latest trend and there are lots of opportunities in that. So I joined the ‘Electronics’ branch.
Than started my engineering studies at the age of 16. I left my home for studies, left all friends which mean a lot to me, left my city, left the girl next door peeping from behind the curtain. And now I was in a whole new world, new friends, new place, new atmosphere, everything different from what I had.
It was very hard to adjust than, but life goes on. Time healed everything. I made new friends; some of them became part of my life. The time was flying. Four years passed very quickly. I finished my Engineering. Now what? I decided to move to a big city, where I can find some opportunity and a good Job. Again it was time for some tears. Which didn’t came from my eyes, but from heart. (Believe me, it’s very hard at times when you want to cry but you can’t).
Now again, a new world, but it wasn’t that hard as before. I started working in HUTCH (a Cellular company). I got involved with my work, my seniors and my colleagues very easily. I learned the REAL lessons of life. After six months, I changed the company; shifted to new place. Now it was not anything new for my life. I began to realize that it wasn’t the change in my life, it itself was LIFE. The degree of homesickness was not like before. I met several people in my life; some of them are still with me, some in my memories, and one in my heart. I took everything for granted. I thought all these things are called life.
But deep down in my heart I felt like life has come to an end. I was not doing anything that I really wanted. I studied, like everybody does. I started working for a company, like everybody does, got some good amount of money, like almost every engineer does.
Life had become more like a routine to me; Working for whole week, going to movies, going out to restaurants and all that. What can be more frustrating when changes in your life feel like routine?
Now I really wanted something different. I thought of going to USA. The idea seemed pretty exiting. So I started to apply for Graduate schools for Masters. I got admission in a good university, started facing this NEW life. But still at nights, a frightening voice comes from within, to wake up, to escape, to fly, to destroy, to breakthrough, to break free. I don’t have the solution, I feel like helpless. I feel numb.
If I look back at my past, I have done nothing which I really wanted to do. I am just flowing with tide; Hoping to get something better, to achieve some useless material thing, just running mad behind goals which are really not mine but planted by this world.
I am still in search of something new, something which will make me happy, something that I really want. But I don’t know what that something is.
Is these all called life? What is the purpose of my life? Why do I exist? Why can’t I do the things I want? Why can’t I be with people I want? Why do I have to leave my friends? Is there anyone who can answer me?
Are you listening God?